Innoculation #2- Re-start from the begining

I just finished re-inoculating myself with 25 hookworms.

The last couple weeks were rough for me. I always say this, but Crohn's disease is a real learning disease. After 8 years of being diagnosed I'm still learning about CD and myself. I frequently think back to before I was on remicade and how sick I was. I was in the washroom constantly, constant low grade fevers, random hot and cold sweats, lots of blood loss, such bad constipation at times, bloating, pain, irritability... . Even though I know I wasn't as seriously sick the last couple months, I was honestly on the verge of losing will to live. For me the worst part isn't the pain or the diarrhea, even the bloating (though terribly uncomfortable), its the fatigue, weakness, nausea, depression that really wears on me. Maybe I've just never been as sick as others, I always feel guilty complaining because I know how lucky I am to have this level of symptom control. But the nausea is consuming. I've never had so much difficulty eating or sleeping.I had no problem starting the SCD because I didn't want to eat anything so the new restrictions didn't bug me at all. The night before I started, I bought some junk food to eat as a farewell... and I was disappointed because I couldn't even eat it. Actually, I hardly wanted to buy it, I don't know what possessed me to even try. Its still there in my cupboard, NOT calling my name. There is nothing I want to eat so pushing bland repetitive food in my mouth was no more difficult than trying to eat regular food. I still have no cravings.

Regardless, I feel CD becomes this horrible unwelcome companion (not friend) that follows you every where like a shadow. It interrupts my conversations, steals my attention away and seems to consume me. I don't feel like I'm one person, I feel like I'm two. Me and my disease: the unwanted tag-along. Its almost like my body is the disease and I'm trapped within, my healthy mind bouncing off the walls screaming to be let out and freed.

And isn't it funny? When I'm healthy, its like I was never sick. Its like I forgot what it was like and think, hey it wasn't so bad. Then the next day if I'm ill, it's like the end of the world and I don't remember anymore what its like to feel healthy. I'm really looking forward to that honeymoon period. I hope I get it again. I need a reminder of what its like to have energy again. I need that reminder again, so I can visualize.  I feel hope creeping back. I just want to be able to enjoy my own life and contribute.